


start to believe my own lies

by fortunatehearts



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Characters, Angst and Porn, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love, i hate this, yams is a side ho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 13:03:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4920679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortunatehearts/pseuds/fortunatehearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>when did i stop being satisfied with the way things are?</p><p>any second now, it's all just going to fall apart and you'll want nothing to do with me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	start to believe my own lies

**Author's Note:**

> season two premieres tomorrow. i hate myself. slight self-indulgence.
> 
> [1/3/15 EDIT: i added more to it bc i was a little unsatisfied so its 1 am now and tsukkiyama has destroyed my life]

They were laying on the soccer field of the park they’ve visited since they were kids. One of them came up to clutch his knees into his chest. "If..." a pause. "If anything changes, just- you'll know that I feel the same, right?"

A nod. His voice was shaky, it was unsure, it was nervous. 

"If you ever lie to me, I'll know right away... And if you change your mind, because I know you will, don't pretend that I never meant anything to you. You forget to think about me in this whole situation sometimes. We'll eventually go our separate ways, that’s how it’s gonna be." Silent question,'What do we do after high school?' and ‘Will either of us be able to handle something this serious.

"You can't say that-" was their immediate response before another question was thrown in their face. 

"Then why are we talking in the first place?" his voice wavered. It was a rhetorical question. 

"I won't hurt you." 

He shivered unconsciously. That was the first lie. 

"I promise," he whispered. His hand slowly strokes the other's face. His thumb nudges the corner of quivering lips. Dread in the pit of his stomach, not knowing what's to come. 

They both doubted that either of them would be fine. They believed no sacrifices would be made, but relationships are not simple. Nothing could change that part. 

2:47 am

>'can u come over'

>'we stopped this a months ago' 

>'just this last time'   
>'please'   
>'we're done' 

He reads the three texts over and over again. The last one didn’t make any sense. As the light from his phone illuminated his face his fingers stuttered a response, refusing to move. He shouldn't be doing this, but he has no time to think it over when he realizes he’s already knocking on the door pathetically. 

The lock clicks. The door opens. 

The person grabs him by the waist and he's pulled into a warm chest. He tucks his head under their chin and then kisses a collarbone. He softly pecks up their neck almost, just almost, wanting to become selfish and suck a dark love bite. That wasn't part of their deal though, so he moves to his jaw making his way to the awaiting lips. A hand softly touches the side of his cheek, motioning for him to lean in. 

His hands move to clutch the blond hair and their lips meet in feverish movement. His eyes tear up for the wrong reasons, and the salty tears mix in with the tongues and bruised lips. A small gasp escapes his mouth when a hand grips his waist to press their torsos against each other. The tongue explores his mouth deeper and the hand gripping his waist slides carefully to grab the back of his thigh. 

In a mess of sloppy kissing and light touches, he's walked to the nearest bed. Falling on his back, he moves to make space between his legs. They crawl on the bed grabbing his knees to steady themselves. For a moment the two of them hold an intense gaze, he feels nervous and breaks the stare after the pure feeling of insecurity sinks deep in his stomach. 

There's a small sigh and he shivers when they slowly lift up his shirt to kiss at the expanse of tan skin and freckles. The first kiss makes him laugh airily and unexpected, then they move up his chest smiling while pulling his shirt off in the process. They kiss for a second but it's broken when the boy underneath gasps at the hands unbuttoning his jeans. The jeans come off and the hand goes to touch his cock hardening under the thin fabric of his briefs. A blush spreads across his face when he leans closer to get more contact. He kneels closer to match their hips and grinds slowly. Their arms are on each side of his head and breathes mix together, fast pacing heart beats from eagerness and slight timid actions.

He gasps at the wetness seeping through and his arms wrap around the other's neck. His hands shakily slide down their back, grabbing the front of the boxer's and pulling them down. His breath is heavy as he grips their cock, rubbing the tip with his thumb but keeping a steady, teasing pace up and down. They lean their head on his shoulder and lips suck at the place his jaw meets his neck. He squeezes particularly hard and both stutter a moan. 

Hands grip at his underwear and he lifts his hips to slip them off his legs. He breathes shakily to calm himself as they reach to grab a bottle of lube discarded on the nightstand from previous uses. Their fingertips feel cold on his overheated skin, a wetness pressing itself carefully inside his hole. He tries to keep himself from keening by using his hands to cover his mouth. The kisses on his sternum aren't helping, and he can feel the stare again. It feels wrong that they know how to push him closer to the edge. The hand that isn't busy is holding him on the side of his ribs, not hard enough to feel uncomfortable but the intent forms a dizzy feeling. 

Another long finger fills him up and he uncovers his mouth to grip the bed sheets beneath him. After the third finger he becomes noisier and bites his bottom lip, close to making a cut and drawing blood. There's a hard press against something inside him and he finally lifts his hips, helplessly crying out,"Tsukki!" A smirk forms on the face of said boy. His breath is ragged and his hands grip the sheets under him. 

He can feel the fingers inside him seize movement but the other hand glides down his torso, cold against his overheated skin. The boy above him carefully traces patterns across his skin moving closer to the bone jutting out where his hips connect to tan thighs. Dusted with freckles he leans down to press his lips against his inner thigh. He risks biting into his thigh lightly, to hear a soft childish giggle.

Tsukishima pulls out his fingers and grabs the condom left on the bed. He rips the foil and rolls it on slowly, stroking himself with more lube. He leans forward to presses gently into his hole, gasping at the tightness. The boy underneath him moans loudly, tilting his head back with his mouth wide open and his arms clutching Tsukishima's biceps. He pushes himself fully inside, his fingernails digging into the soft hips. A choked sound leaves his mouth, not used to the stretch.

 

Slow, steady and gentle. Small tears drip down his chin for moment, the burn causing him to moan. His thrusts began to speed up, his own hips colliding with a pert butt. The boy wraps his legs around the taller boy's hips, sitting on his lap trying to press themselves flush to each other and get some friction for his cock trapped between their bodies. The different angle makes him shiver and clench around Tsukishima's cock. He groans into his hair,"Yamaguchi..." 

Yamaguchi clenches and unclenches repeatedly, wanting to get a reaction from him. Tsukishima is breathless at the delicious feeling. His movement becomes harder and faster without any protest, Yamaguchi whimpering and moaning loudly but not quite hearing what he wants to hear for this last time. He can feel hands sliding down his back, but the slight discomfort doesn't compare to Yamaguchi squeezing his eyes shut and mouth speechless from the pleasure.

Tsukishima wants to make him come without touching him but there's only one way left to get him to fall apart. He carefully lays him down in the bed, one hand tightening on his waist the other clutching his dripping cock and jerking it in a quick motion. He cries out in ecstasy,"Kei!" 

The sudden spurt of cum covering his chest and stomach, and the clench around his own dick cause him to collapse a little whispering into his ear,"Tadashi..." Tsukishima pulls out and as they both grimace, Yamaguchi wipes his watery eyes. 

They lay beside each other, small snores coming from the body beside him. He can't fall asleep, not yet. Turning on his side, a shaky hand runs its fingers on the pale skin, goosebumps arise where he touches and he's too tired to even think about he's doing. 

Last time. 

The last time. 

7:52 am 

"I can't do this," he whispers into the arm wrapped firmly around him. The warmth was too distracting that he didn't leave the minute the other boy drifted off. The pair of lips pressed into his hair and the long legs brushing against his own are so familiar that it almost feels like they've gone back to their old routine. That the morning after, he could wake Tsukishima up with his coffee, sit up against the headboard of his bed and pretend he had simply slept over. They would talk like they were best friends, and lay against each other like lovers. 

His eyes shut tight and he pulls the tangled limbs off of him to sit up on the bed. He opens them to investigate the room, nothing has changed. The same blanket that always falls off the bed is hanging on the corner. His clothes are carelessly thrown on the floor and the bathroom door is opened slightly. 

He walks into the bathroom, still scared that Tsukishima might wake up and catch him leaving. The mirror still has a broken edge, but he focuses back on himself. 

The small purple bruises on his neck make his face flush. The kind that take days to fade away. His fingertips brush against it then all at once Yamaguchi covers it with palm.

'This was a stupid idea.' 

The scratches on his hips cause him to cover his mouth to keep him from bursting into sobs. His eye water, vision blurring and heart pounding.

'This isn't how it's supposed to be. He wasted so much time. Yet why can't he just-' 

"-love me," is muffled on his palm. He leans over the sink as more tears drip down his chin. They have known each other for so long, and as much as he hates to admit, he won't be leaving this mess with his heart in one piece. 

'If it's over... he won't care if I leave.' 

He peeks to see if there is still a body sleeping on the bed. He quietly picks up his pants. As he pulls them up his thighs he realizes how bad his hands are quivering. He tries to close the door of the bedroom without making noise. 

When he finally walks out of the front door, the click behind him reminds him that after this they'll need to talk, no matter how awkward or tense the conversation might be. 

"You ruined me," is the last thing he whispers before going home. 

1:51 pm

'yamaguchi'   
'call me'  
'i saw you leave, i'm not that stupid' 

2:26 pm

'this was bound to happen tadashi'

4:09 pm

'come over' 

4:18 pm

He knocks on the door. 

A lock clicks and it opens. 

There's no greeting when Tsukishima immediately goes to ask him,"Why did you leave?" The follow-up question,'When did you leave?' lingers in the air. 

Yamaguchi sighs, avoiding looking into his eyes,"Isn't that easier for both of us? I left on my own and you didn't-" 

He looks at him incredulously,"Do you know how stupid you sound?" He grabs Yamaguchi's arm and closes the door in the process. He traps him with hands next to the sides of his face. Tsukishima stares at the dark marks scattered along his neck. "I can't help but think, if I didn't like at least us a little bit, maybe I could love you." 

There's a hard smack. "This isn't something you choose! Why can't understand that me loving you is something so difficult to live with when you're with some other person all the time. I'm just there to help you deal with heartbreak. I- I- this never benefitted me!" His breath is jagged and the same tears from early this morning return. 

"You always said-" 

"Who gives a fuck about what I've said before, Tsukki, if you really cared about me we wouldn't be having this conversation." He forces himself to look away from the face of realization. His brows furrow and then a head falls onto his shoulder. 

"I do care so much about you." 

"Don't lie to me." 

Tsukishima turns his head, nudges at the lovebites and sighing when Yamaguchi shivers. "I didn't mean for these to be so dark." Yamaguchi stays silent. "I know that the marks I left on your hips weren't supposed to stay more than the night." A hand slides down his side and presses where his shirt begins to ride up showing the bright red. 

"I can't let you do this again-" he protests but the light kiss on his neck makes his breath hitch. 

"You completely have me," he whispers into his skin. 

"How do I know you're not lying, Tsukishima?" his voice is cracking at the use of the last name. He freezes and leans up with a blank face. For the first time in his life, he seems uncertain of what to say. "I don't want it to be the last time. You made me fall apart under you, and how can you ignore the fact that you know my body so well..." the thought makes his mind wander to memories that won't go. 

This isn't something they can argue about. It's true. They had gotten so used to late night texts, the embarrassing 'Are you okay?' stopped eventually and the rhythm they created became normal. The nights they stayed up, the question returned. Why did this become a routine? They had made the most of the unhealthy relationship. Their love was ultimately too demanding, it left him weak. 

"I love you," Tsukishima blurts out suddenly. Yamaguchi gasps and slides down the door at the loss of words. And that's how it was decided. 

The boy chokes on his words repeating over and over again that 'Why does he keep lying to me?' A sob racked through his body,"I always come back to you, but I never believe anything you say. Don't tell me you love me if you don't!" Fear and blame are laced in his voice. Fear because for the first time in his life, he knows what Tsukishima is about to say. Only, he doesn't want to hear it. And yet, who is to blame? 

"Love tears people apart. I can't be in love with you because if something goes wrong everything will be ruined." he pauses. He already ruined everything, what was he saying? "If I could get the thoughts of you to leave my head, I wouldn't feel the need to lie. I was wrong because it hurt to think of you loving someone else that wasn't me."

"I don't need to know this. If this is real, then why are you being so selfish?" It's a loaded question. Yamaguchi takes a deep breath and wipes away a stray tear before shakily saying,"We're best off if we stop and continue on with our own lives. This- the situation is too petty to make such a big deal about. You're right when you say love tears people apart. But you're making it so much harder for me to leave." The small chuckle following holds no humor. 

"Just leave then," he says with strain in his voice. "I can't fix this." 

"We're still friends, and one day this will be the last thing that's on our mind. We'll meet again," he nervously picks himself off the ground. More lies. “I should have never told you how I felt in the first place.” 

"Every second and every moment we shared wasn't in vain. I won't let you go." He leans his forehead onto Yamaguchi's and they share a cut throat silence before a pair of soft lips kiss his cheek. He closes his eyes the moment he pulls away. Yamaguchi almost reaches for his hand, but he forces himself to pull away. “I can’t let regret be the last thing on your mind when you think of me.” 

"I don't love you," is the last lie Tsukishima tells before the other boy closes the front door for a final time. At this point he didn’t know who to believe.

**Author's Note:**

> (edit: changed the summary bc it was pretty bleh, going back to this it's one piece im most proud of so even if it doesnt get much recognition, i can proudly say it sucks to be bad at writing good endings) 
> 
> please tell me if there are any mistakes!!! (im sick but i needed to finish this for mo ;-;) my tumblr is guccikei


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